A Few Words From Tech Support

From ListOf

1. Don't write anything down
2. When a tech says he's coming right over, go for coffee
3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it
5. Don't put your phone extension in your emails to the help desk
6. When tech support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once
7. When a tech is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill your guts right out
8. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question
9. Send urgent email all in uppercase
10. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call
11. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support
12. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support
13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer support
14. When some calls with no phone number and no description of the problem
15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard the manual
16. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges in them, argue
17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory
18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then you reboot and it looks okay, don't call tech support
19. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper
20. When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That'll get us going.
21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the display to true color, 1024 x 768
22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother
23. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times
24. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the building
25. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical
26. Don't use online help
27. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for your all your co-workers
28. When a tech makes popcorn, help yourself while he's checking out your access rights
29. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past noon, eat your lunch in his face
30. Don't ever thank us
31. If you're an intern, feel free to bring in all your friends from college and have your Daddy complain to our boss when we won't let them use the scanner
32. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie
33. When a tech finds the AOL shortcuts in your Recycle Bin, tell him you've never seen those before
34. If you have NT, feel free to change the local administrator's password to "blowjob" and promptly forget it
35. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it
36. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade
37. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday, shove it into any slot on the front of your computer
38. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes button as fast as you can
39. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up
40. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap"
41. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support
42. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call tech support
43. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call tech support
44. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk
45. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment
46. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks
47. When your eyes fall on the family pictures on a tech's desk, exclaim in a flabbergasted tone of voice: "YOU have a child?!?" We need to be reminded of how lucky we were to ever have gotten laid.
48. When a tech gets on the elevator pushing 15,000 kilograms worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.
49. When the Finance folks are printing a 100-page spreadsheet on the LaserJet, send your black and white print job to the color printer
50. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire department
51. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question
52. When you see a tech having a beer with a member of the opposite sex on a Friday night, walk right up to them and ask a computer question
53. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own
54. When you can't access some shared directory on your boss's machine, just tell us that you've lost your X: drive
55. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college, feel free to pick our brains while we're taking a leak
56. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer
57. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home
58. We're aware of that problem with computers just sitting there and not doing anything
59. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin
60. If you curse every morning when you start to type your password and the Virus Shield splash screen pops up in your face, disable the Virus Shield
61. If you hate PCs, get on the Internet and download one of those desktop enhancements that make your computer look just like a Mac, down to the sad faces replacing verbose error messages
62. When you detect a French accent in a tech's voice, switch to French
63. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits
64. Have you ever wondered what Tech Support does while you are on hold? Think about how long it takes to write a 64 point memo!