Top 104 Bad Opening Lines For Novels

From ListOf

1. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
2. McMurphy hit the pavement running like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
3. Had she known Bob was a psychopath, she wouldn't have bought that screwdriver.
4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.
5. He wanted to hold her forever, knowing eventually he'd have to take a whizz
6. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
7. As the scent of sweat from the horse's buttock wafted into his left nostril...
8. The sun rose over the horizon like a great big radioactive baby's head,
9. Drifting gently across the pond, exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't,
10. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
11. In these uncertain times, a crowded elevator smells different to a midget.
12. He was sharp, able to tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter"
13. It was a dark night on Pluto, a planet nobody had ever taken seriously
14. The moment he laid eyes on inmate #472825994, he became a prisoner of love.
15. Her breasts were like ripe strawberries, but not as bumpy,
16. The sea raged, the wind howled, and the sand was just plain irritated.
17. The thunder sounded like a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage
18. You still have 873 pages to go.
19. If he were to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it.
20. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and all in North Dakota
21. The alien was eager to ravage her, unlike Ted, who wanted to take it slow
22. This is a story of twin Siamese kittens; it is a tail of two kitties.
23. It was a bright and sunny day - the UV radiation radiated radiantly...
24. She grew on him like a colony of E. coli on room-temperature British beef.
25. The sun rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day,
26. As the screen froze, Capt Kirk vowed never to use a Microsoft system again.
27. He stood, wondering how bad Sleeping Beauty's morning breath would be..
28. The butler did it. It was a rainy day in Turlington...
29. She descended, her creamy bosom rising and falling like a temperamental souffle
30. He snapped my bra like a Concord taking off, and I was unhooked for love.
31. His mind was like lightning, a quick flash followed by darkness.
32. The corpse had been shredded with coffee beans to throw off the police dogs
33. She gratefully popped the glass orb back in place with a soft sucking sound
34. The blood dripped from his nose like hot grease from a roasting bratwurst,
35. A chill ran down his spine, like a refridgerated boa constrictor...
36. I'd always wondered what it was like to wake up naked in a dumpster...
37. The penguin dashed for North Dakota, suddenly afraid that the tigers were dead.
38. On a nice day, a nice man and a nice woman sat on a nice bench in a nice park.
39. As she closed the novel, she wondered why she wasted money on it
40. Then it occured to Bob that cows will eat you given the chance...
41. As she pulled Chloe's unmistakable prosthetic arm from under the bed, she knew
42. Grandpa was belly down in the meadow , taking a close-up of a cow-pie,
43. He heard the stapler calling from the other room. Wasn't he ever satisfied?
44. the end
45. Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly
46. It was the first but not the last time Eddy would probe his nether regions
47. Nicolette wrapped her left leg around John and deftly cut some cheese.
48. There was an ugly duck. It didnt turn into a swan, it was just ugly
49. they embraced each other as tightly as two-flavor entwined string cheese,
50. To escape the grizzly, all he had to do was outdistance his hiking partner,
51. Das ist gut!
52. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle compressed by a Thigh Master
53. His thougts, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
54. I hadn't felt such pain since I accidentaly stapled my tounge to the wal...
55. It was time again for the annual Keepers convention...
56. One may often find a post - it note is best used as a blinder for sexual acts
57. Pants were for bankers or lawyer or parliment. No, Adam would find his own way
58. The sea raged, the wind howled and the beach was bored between it all
59. bumper stickers
60. he fell off the cliff like an over ripe watermelon being run over by a truck
61. I loved him, though he had pimples on his butt.
62. Jesus swept.
63. And they all lived happily ever after...The End...
64. He was prepared for the alien probe,having just finished a case of Bud..
65. Her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like bright hubcaps,
66. It all started last night, when I went down to the pub to get drunk and flirt.
67. Olive was waiting on the couch with only a smile and a cucumber sandwich
68. Sh walked in just as i was having fun with a fake pussy
69. T'was a dark and stormy night.
70. As I squeezed my cheecks together it fell not unlike a baby into a bathrub.
71. Hoping his lunch hour would provide time for a romp and a digestive biscuit...
72. Just because Jenny was a fich didn't mean she didn't have feelings.
73. Mud squished up between the toes like cappuccino-colored bog-ooze..
74. No one knew of Alicia's troubles, because they'd learned to tune out.
75. Stopped abruptly like a pancake by the sliding door, she slid to the floor.
76. The squashed toilet roll went bumpity bumpity in it's holder,
77. It was a dark and stormy night...
78. As she gingerly reached for the constipated gorilla's suppository..
79. He smelled of pork. Rotting pork, in fact, and lots of it.
80. He was as lame as a duck, not the metaphorical lame duck either
81. The other day, I had the biggest boner in the world! You will not believe it
82. Darkness dripped from the walls as the candles went out...
83. Paul had Athlete's Foot.
84. The graphic crime-scene photo was not pretty bceause of the shutter speed,
85. He fell off the wagon like a frozen turkey from a Goodwill Helicopter.elicop
86. Lashed with duct tape to the side of his stolen hovercraft, her head lolling
87. My underwear stuck to my backside like a cornerback to a rookie wide receiver.
88. 'Time to leave the Fluffy Forest' said Susan as she was smashed on crack.
89. He blasted Xilth as one pops the head off a zit, except of on a larger scale.
90. It was as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
91. Pappy's mind, like a steel trap left in the rain that had been rusted shut,
92. Paula found her gaze drawn to the chubby saxophonist.
93. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
94. The relentless ticklings made him rue ever buying her that finger paint.
95. He was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
96. Life Sucks. Hate Me.
97. Wear something uncomplicated-I'm in no mood for a struggle tonight...
98. Forgetttabowwwtit intoned Arnold gutturally,
99. The blue bottle fly performed low-swooping wingovers above my coffee.
100. Along greasy, paving-stones slick from the sputum of the sky he trudged.
101. Borson crushed a Coke can and turned slowly to face the source of the ridicule
102. He slumped like a sack of sh*#t slung over the shoulder of a granny.
103. She was driven-fueled by a single accelerant, the man , Alf Romeo
104. Making love with her made him feel as if he'd been pounded by surf.